AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH seriously I just have to vent. I am so sick of everything and everyone, I feel like it's all just one big lie. I am trying to stay positive and see the good in everyone but it's like how can I trust anyone or anything when my gut instinct tells me not to. It's not that I want to stop caring but it's like this is some serious bullshit... I'm done being strung along.


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I need a vacation, like right now.

Bahahaha I just have to share this with my own little blogging world, this one goes out to you....



Gabcast! Because Of You #1

Ahhhhhhhh good morning..... last night was amazing. Worked my ass off yesterday then had a couple blue moons with my aunt and watched fear, then a movie from the 30's. Her house is so quaint and nice and relaxing. I took a shower because I was all dirty and gross from working in the church all day and the soap she let me use I am officially obsessed with. It's called sugared spruce by a company called Noel, apparently you can get them at TJ maxx.... hells to the yea, made me feel like a brand new person.

Last night I decided if you feel like something is wrong in your heart or your intuition, its going to be. I'm just really sick of lame excuses from guys or how things change, its like something can be so awesome and exciting and dwindle into nothing like an amber going out. I know rejection hurts and I accept that but an adult male and an adult female need to be able to tell one another if their not feeling that person, me personally I would rather do it face to face if not at least the on phone (not through lame ass texting) however I didn't have the chance to do that so I ended something last night that I really felt in my heart because I just had a feeling he wasn't a very good guy who has probably hurt a lot of people/girls, and I'd rather not waste anytime on that anymore because I'm getting my act together and I need family friends and potentially a man around me that builds me up and that I can build up, and to not have to question something so ridiculous like if he is going to call..... that's pathetic on my part and his.

Whhaatteeevvveerrr..... another one bites the dust, it just made me sad because I really was hopeful, Oh well God will give me what I need, and I should only be trusting in that, not what I wish would/should happen.

And on that note I would like to share that gets me by is Peter 5;7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

So that is what I'm gunna do... YO.

Today is a day that I Totally needed. I am at my Aunt and Uncles house in Topeka helping out around the house working and it is really a great escape. I feel like I am actually accomplishing something on top of being around people that are here for me and can talk me through some of the things I am handling and going through right now. Blessing in disguise? I don't think so, this was all already planned in my book. This is all the great I am.

look it up.

Ok now back to work, this was a nice little break. Oh and ps. My uncle has the most bombbbbbbbbbb computer screen ever, its like I'm typing on a television screen. COOL BEANS

hahahah he just said this is a television screen... a great man once told me " its a thirty two inch for the visually impaired lol... someday the VA will get his perscription right" hahahah

AND I'm spent.
Back to work.

First of hopefully many.

Well well well... here I am talking to myself about things I don't even think I am sure about. I hate this first feeling of doubt when I start to type, because when I am halfway through a sentence I stop and question if I even want to finish the thought. Then backspace.

I figure this is a good outlet. One that I probably need more than anything else right now in my life. Because as of now, life isn't going so great. See here I go again. After typing that I think to myself WoW jill really? There are so many more people worse off then me that I should suck it up and quit bitching. This is true, but at the same time, that doesn't take away the fact that I'm just not happy. And I'm sick of pretending that I am because my own self tells me I shouldn't be and to just bury the discontent. But what good will that do? Hasn't been working thus far.

I screwed up. I screwed up big time. And I know I can fix this, and to just consider it a break, but how I feel about it and my confidence changes minute to minute. I am just going to put my nose to the grindstone and work my little ass off... I feel like a mental case talking to myself on this thing. Maybe my next blog can be about something, instead of just me and my psychosis I have currently ... lol.... ehm anyway...I'm gunna blame it on watching Girl, Interrupted last night with my good friend Karly. Its really hard for me to open up to people because I firstly always assume that when I talk they don't care about what I'm saying so its a lost cause at the start. Sad I know. So I just listen to others peoples problems and then become a doormat. But I prefer it that way because then people can't get too close. cliche cliche cliche, but seriously true in my book.

I have never felt more Eeemmoo in my life. But it feels good to get it out and on paper. or Internet?

Well that's enough for now, gotta keep it interesting... or suspenseful for all of my readers out there (cough cough)

I am going to vow (I'm sure everyone says this bullshit) to write at least every other day for my own benefit... but who knows maybe I'll become a cyber geek and do it all the time. Scratch that I don't have a smartphone.

DAMN.